Trip Report: New Orleans/Austin 2000

2000/03/02 Thursday - Chicago, IL

We decided to surprise my parents and crash at their place. Chicago is on the way to Memphis, so it was only a slight detour to go to Naperville. Near Chicago, a truck was spewing oil out of its smokestack and it coated my windshield in oily droplets of opacity. I foolishly put on my windshield wipers and instantly my windshield was as transparent as waxed paper. Putting on the brakes so as to come to a stop as quickly and safely as I could, I pulled over. Nicole managed to clean off the window a bit with some tissue and we then limped to the nearest exit. We went to the nearest gas station and managed to clean off the window enough to at least discern shapes. We made it to my parents, and my brother Steve took the car to be washed.

Between all the books on tape and CDs I brought and the box of old time radio tapes my dad just gave me, we have enough audio entertainment to last us if we decide to drive to Tierra del Fuego.

2000/03/03 Friday - Memphis, TN

It's a long haul down to Memphis. As Nicole slept beside me, I popped in some music that I hoped would not disturb her while keeping me awake, a Kronos Quartet tape. Tip for travelers: if you're looking for music to keep you awake, Avante Garde (literally "a bunch of random notes") classical music would be a poor choice. I decided to take up smoking to keep myself awake. Yellow teeth and lung cancer are a small price to pay for not nodding off and slamming into a bridge abutment at 70 mph.

Once we arrived in Memphis, I asked the guy at the gas station where the cheaper hotels were. He gave me directions and said, "You don't want to stay at the Howard Johnson's."

"Why?" I asked.

"Just trust me."

"What's wrong with the Howard Johnson's?"

He hesitated. "Well…they've been caught with cameras a few times."

Went to Beale Street where, they say, W.C. Handy invented the blues. It's like other "party strips" I've been to (Put-in-Bay, Salt Flats of Cleveland, etc.); just bands, booze and people. Not very many people at this time of the year. It’s too early for tourist season.

2000/03/04 Saturday - Memphis, TN

Went to Graceland. I wanted a T-shirt with a fat Elvis on it, but they didn't have one, darn it. After Graceland we had our second Memphis meal of BBQ at a local restaurant. Elvis was playing on the radio. Nicole asked, "Do you think the people of Memphis ever get tired of Elvis and BBQ?" Of course she immediately realized what a silly question that was.

We headed to New Orleans, or as close as we thought we could get. This part of the trip was a last minute addition, so we'd hoped through dumb luck we could manage to find a hotel somewhere in LA. Miraculously we did, in Baton Rouge, about an hour away from New Orleans. Unfortunately, (a) it's not the cleanest room I've ever seen, (b) there's no soundproofing, and (c) the door doesn't seem to lock. Also, the sheets were threadbare and the pillows were as big and fluffy as pads of legal paper. On the other hand it had the following pluses: (a) it was probably the only hotel room available in Louisiana. Nicole made me check the room for hidden cameras before we went to bed.

2000/03/05 Sunday - Baton Rouge, LA and New Orleans, LA

There was a knock at the door in the morning, I stumbled to the door bleary eyed and flung it open wearing only my boxers and a pair of socks. The woman gave me what I later realized was a startled look and asked me, "Will you be needing any service during your stay?" I responded sluggishly, "Uh….room…service……….um…….no." It slowly dawned on me as I went back to bed that she probably meant maid service. No matter, 45 minutes later the maid barged into the room while we were still sleeping. In fact, despite the fact that I kept telling them we didn't need maid service, they barged in waking me every morning. The cleaning service here just will not give up, yet the general filthiness of the room belies their commitment to cleanliness. They are persistent yet ineffective.

We’re in New Orleans now. The Big Easy. Saw the Baccus parade, which was two hours late in getting started, and then headed over to Bourbon Street. It's not possible to convey in mere words how densely packed with people it was, so I won't even try. Suffice it to say the following: it was really packed with people. Nicole and I decided to walk the whole length of it, which took about three hours (not counting a break for dinner) to navigate through the crowds. At one point the crowds, which were already denser than I would have thought possible, became considerably denser. We were nearly crushed as flat as mackerels. I asked Nicole, "What the heck is going on?" She said, "that's the Playboy balcony directly above us." I looked up to see what appeared to be two weather balloons with nipples leaning over the balcony. Apparently Playboy rents a balcony and Playmates flash the crowd in typical Marti Gras fashion, leading to the massive crowd of guys below.

Before we left for Marti Gras, several people had told us that they heard the police were going to crack down on flashing. When we got to Bourbon Street, the idea seemed laughable. There are millions of people packed into Bourbon Street with, by my count, eight cops. The concept, briefly, is that men in the balcony will offer beads to the women on the streets if they "pop their tops", or men on the street will offer the women on balcony beads, or women on balcony will offer the men on the street beads, or men on the balcony will offer men on the streets beads… you get the idea.

The parade floats throw out beads, but the beads for showing some skin are typically a lot nicer. If you have something really nice, like a hat or something, other person might show even more. It's mostly women flashing, but also some men. Some guys were trying to stop their drunken girlfriends flashing, and some guys seemed to be amused by their girlfriends teasing the crowd. We also saw some women flashing breasts that, to my untrained eye, appeared to have been installed aftermarket. A bit more than nature intended, shall we say. I mentioned this to Nicole and she said if she dropped 3-5k on a pair of breasts she'd be showing them off as well; might as well get your money's worth. The crowd response seemed to me to be just as enthusiastic for women showing small breasts as it was for women with a bit more to show off. New Orleans is egalitarian that way. It's kind of heartening to see humanity rising up as one in their non-judgmental appreciation of hooters. It's a beautiful thing, and it restored my faith in humanity. I mentioned this to Nicole and she said I was "special needs".

Nicole was, of course, out of control before we even got to Marti Gras, showing her breasts at the drop of a hat. We'd stop at a gas station, she'd show the attendant her breasts. We'd go to a restaurant, she'd show the maitre d' her breasts. I tried to tell her there was a time and a place for everything, but she wouldn't listen.

Click here to see Nicole topless

[Before Nicole kills me, I should mention that she was not, in fact, flashing people at any time. In fact, some guy on the street offered her some nice beads and she declined and walked away. The guy followed her and gave her the beads anyway saying, "That's OK, you're a good girl. Here you go."]

2000/03/05 Monday

Because Nicole needs, by my count, 12-18 hours of sleep a night, I've been doing all the driving while she sleeps and, very occasionally, studies. In addition to giving me crippling carpal tunnel in my shifting hand, I've developed a severe sleep deficit, which I made up for today by sleeping until 1:30 PM. I still awoke before Nicole. We spent a leisurely day, saw a rural life museum, and had a few beers.

2000/03/05 Fat Tuesday

Saw some more parades. The guys on the float will taunt the crowd with good throws. Throws are typically beads, but also stuffed animals, tokens, moon pies, bananas, painted coconuts, spears, etc. A drunk guy next to us shouted to a parade float, “Throw me some worthless crap!!!

There are many different Marti Gras parades put on by different krewes (social clubs) over the course of several days. The parades can start a few hours late and they last a few hours, so if you want to see a parade that starts at 8:30 AM, it’s not unreasonable to show up at noon. The parades run pretty much continuously, and they all seem to hit Canal Street, so that’s where we hung out.

Heard a guy shout at a passing fire truck, “Show us your hose!”

We saw a guy all dressed up and dancing like a loon. Somebody in the crowd asked him what the heck he had been drinking. His response: “Straight Pepsi, no shit.I’m just weird.”

After the parades we headed for Bourbon Street. Hey I’ve got an idea! Lets’s hold a Baccanal and not provide any public restrooms!

Nicole and I found a bar/restaurant to use as our base of operations. Just in time. All those beads were getting heavy, and I was starting to feel like the ghost of Jacob Marley from “A Christmas Carol.” Our hands were stamped so we could enter and leave the restaurant as we chose. It felt good to take them off. We’d forage out into Bourbon Street, then go back into the bar for a safe haven/restroom break. Lots of guys with cameras and video cameras. I think it’s pretty much assumed that if you show any skin you will be appearing on the web.


If there's a picture on the web of Nicole showing some skin, it’s because we were dancing to a brass band in the restaurant, and we must have been tearing up the floor because several people were taking pictures of us. While doing a spin in the confined space of the dance floor, Nicole’s thumb caught on her dress and one of her “girls” popped out.

Nicole’s go-go boots were killing her feet, so I gave her my shoes for a while, and I went bare footin’ as we wandered around Bourbon Street. We wandered into the gay district of the French Quarter and Nicole said, “Matt, be very very careful where you walk” as she pointed to a used hypodermic needle in the gutter.

2000/03/08 Wednesday

Made the long drive to my Aunt Diane’s place in Austin, TX. Austin was voted the number 1 place to live in the country by someone or other.

2000/03/09 Thursday

We went to a botanical garden/wildflower preserve, but due to the dry weather there were few wildflowers, mostly grass.

At night Nicole, Aunt Diane and I hung out on 6^th Street, the party strip in Austin. We listened to some bands and played pool. Austin seems pretty mellow after the raw rowdiness of Marti Gras in New Orleans.

2000/03/10 Friday

We went to the Oasis, a bar/restaurant noted for it’s sunsets. Unfortunately the sunset was a non-event. It was hazy on the horizon and the sun just kind of went down without a fuss.

Aunt Diane volunteers as an usher and got us into the Alvin Ailey dancers. What I know about modern dance consists of the following: there’s something out there called “modern dance.” But it seemed pretty cool. Some of the dances featured frenetic movement to very slow songs, which seemed a bit strange, but what do I know? Must have been the class assignment for a lot of people to see this show, because I saw a lot of notebooks. I’m not sure what they heck you could write about dance. “They turned their heads then kicked their legs twice and some of the dances didn’t match the songs to the point of being comedic,” is what I would have written.

2000/03/11 Saturday

Stopped to get gas. As I was chatting with the attendant, four teenage girls went into the restroom together.

“That’s weird, four girls in that tiny bathroom together,” I said.

“Not as weird as five adult Mexican males going into the bathroom together,” replied the attendant.

“Does that actually happen?”

“Oh yeah, the worse part is cleaning up after them.”

“I wish I hadn’t heard that.”

“Yeah, sorry.”

We went to a statue garden. Some of the other visitors were girls with boom boxes who were dancing, including one girl who was dancing spastically to a very slow operatic piece. Apparently I don’t “get” dance, which doesn’t bother me all that much.

Nicole and I were planning on spending the day at “hippie hollow” a clothing-optional beach frequented, according to my aunt, by college girls and geezers checking out the college girls. It had been unseasonably, sometimes brutally, hot during our entire stay here, so we’d planned on spending our last day here going for a swim. Naturally today it was freezing cold with a strong wind, so we gave it a miss. Later in the day Nicole still wanted to go and it was getting a bit warmer, so off we went. It still hadn’t warmed up that much and I found it a bit creepy, what with more gawkers than sunbathers. To say nothing of cold weather-induced shrinkage.

Austin has the largest bat colony in North America under a bridge. The bridge was remodelled in 1980, which just so happened to make it ideal for Mexican free-tail bats. They come swarming out at dusk. Nicole pointed out that “they just look like birds that fly funny,” which is true, except that instead of catching worms, they are feasting on human blood to feed their ever growing army of the undead.

I took a nap for an hour after dinner and we started on the great trek back to Michigan. I took the first leg of the trip. I drank coffee to stay awake, which meant I had to stop to go to the bathroom, where I would buy more coffee. I continued this great cycle of driving, drinking, and whizzing across Texas and most of Arkansas. Around Little Rock I got sick of having to stop to go to the bathroom every twenty minutes, so I laid off the coffee. I still seemed to do all right, although at one point the winged cheetahs of hallucinatory sleep deprivation visited me and commanded that I render unto them my underpants. I ignored them, and decided Nicole should drive for a bit. We arrived home safe and sound.

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